Chapter 24: Lost at Sea
I am adrift in an ocean of depression, the weight of these past months finally catching up to me.
I have spoken previously about my attempts to support my parents, my wife, and my children.
I am beginning to realize that I may have taken on too much, neglecting my own emotions and mental health
in favor of being present for everyone else.
I do not regret being there for the people I love.
But I am beginning to understand that I cannot continue supporting everyone around me while pretending I
do not need support myself.
I feel lost, swimming for shore in a vast ocean without any sense of direction.
Everywhere I look, the view is the same: endless waves beneath a gray-black sky.
But I am not alone.
My children guide me forward like stars in the night, my wife the pale moon.
When the clouds part, those bright beacons reveal themselves again, and I regain some sense of direction.
My path becomes visible, and I move forward once more.
I tell myself this cycle will pass, as it always does.
But waiting for the tides to pull me back toward shore feels agonizingly slow.
I feel reliant on forces outside my control, waiting for the winds to change and the sky to clear.
So I remain afloat.
I ride the waves as they rise and fall, searching the heavens for my guides and finding solace in the belief that
eventually the clouds will part and the moon and stars will shine again.
As of this writing, this episode has lasted for two weeks.
A blip in time that feels like forever.
I remind myself each day that this will pass.
Life will not always feel this way.
There will be highs and lows, and right now I am living through one of the lows.
So I endure.
Patience and perseverance remain my allies.
Each day is another step forward.
And although it may not feel like progress now, I will continue moving.
I wrote this chapter in March 2024.
Then I stopped writing.
I would not return to this story for nearly seven months.
The next words I wrote were dated October 15, 2024.
Two days earlier, my mom had died.